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Friday, July 26, 2013

Things to work on in me

Ok... I keep saying that I am going to start journaling again... and don't.  This is the next best thing... and I  have been meaning to get this blog up and running to see where it might go.

There are several things I need to work on in me....things that will help my family out and things that will help me out.

Short list
1.  I need to spend at least an hour (right now anyway... until I get this place in better shape... I'm thinking if I do an hour a day for 2 months... this place will stay looking good and then it will only take 15 or 20 minuets a day) cleaning.  (deep cleaning, purging, organizing... ok maybe more than 2 months... but the maintenance will still only be 15 to 20 minuets if I keep at it...)

2. I need to spend at least an hour a day on me (nice bubble bath in the evening is a good start, and some bible time is needed as well)  I need to do this to center myself better.  If I am centered then it will be harder to go off the deep end when something doesn't go the way I am wanting it to go.

3.  I need to take time away from the computer, and the phones and the books and spend time with each of the boys.  I need to get to know them better so that I can better advocate for them and I will know what they need, and better know how to help them.  I think some of our issues are that I Want to hide rather than deal with the yelling and screaming... rather than dealing with the Asperger's ...

4.  Be more consistent IN EVERYTHING I DO!!!! I hate to admit there are still times I wonder if my kids are just brats... because that is what so many people see (at least that is how I see it when I get looks...  you know the looks... if she would just spank them they would straighten out... well believe me if it were that easy they would have been straightened out a long time ago... spanking doesn't work with these kids....:/  When we got the diagnosis with Robert, I kind of felt relieved because it meant that it wasn't completely my fault and that I wasn't a horrendous parent who couldn't discipline her child... when we got the diagnosis for Tommy though it hit home that I really haven't been consistent in how I do things and I need to work on that.

These are just a few of the things I need to work on.  My parents are great parents... I wish I could be more like them... I've been a parent for over 12 years now, and I feel like I don't know anymore how to be a good parent than I did that first day looking at that helpless baby with the breathing tube... wondering What God has planned that He gave me this small (4lbs) baby that spent the first 6 weeks of his life in the NICU.... I am still not sure, but I think it is time for me to stop hiding so much and start being the mom that my boys need and deserve.  stop being scared that I am "messing them up" and help them reach their full potentials.  Help them develop the skills they will need to grow and become the Men God means them to be.  

So today we are going to go to the library.  We are going to go to the play ground behind the library as well.  We will come home and I will strive to find at least one thing I didn't realize about each boy... one or two things that are strengths,  something that they struggle with, something they love... I will spend an hour cleaning, if they help great, if not I Am not going to yell and scream, beg and cry trying to get them to... I will just put my headphones in and get to work...

I am ready for a change, my kids are not the enemy and they deserve to be treated in a way that shows them that I love and value them because I do.  I am ready to become the mom I have been wanting to become for a long time.... and I am tired  of not doing all I can to become her.  I may never be a perfect housewife... my house may not always look nice... but it can look a damn sight better than it does right now, and we deserve that!!!  My husband deserves it, my kids deserve it... and I DO TOO.  I will try not to let myself get caught up in vthe "I have to do it all" and "I am the only one cleaning" mode I have been in for the last 4 or 5 years... (since I have been a SAHM) and realize... "I am not alone in this" and "If the boys see me taking the initiative... they will be more likely to fallow than if I yell at them to do it while I sit down and play on the computer."   (that isn't always the way it is... )
time to get started younger two are awake :)