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Sunday, July 28, 2013

more on me... part 2 last three years of high school

Ok I left off on the move.  I had spent the first 15 years of my life in a wonderful small town in south Texas... I will always consider that my home town.  Then my dad was transferred to east Texas... not expected at all... so we moved.  Now the town I grew up in had lots of different shades of skin colors... from pale pink to almost black...(I do not believe in races so I will not use that term... but it was an ethnic rich community) so that was my norm... I still remember that first day of school in 10th grade walking into the cafeteria for the first time and there was almost no color variation at all...not an ethnic rich community... pretty closed off.  it was definitely different...  I found it hard to make friends... so I became friends with people that were nice to me... my "pity" friends... they felt sorry for me so they became my friends, they were not necessarily people I would chose to hang out with on intellectual basis, but they were nice to me so it was ok. (that may sound shallow... but  it is sometimes very hard to make friends that I feel like I can completely connect with on more than one or two levels... these were/are nice people, and they allowed me not to be by myself all the time those three years of high school)  That first year I muddled through... did the work I had to do to get by.  Met new people, went to a church a few times... but never really felt I belonged.  English, History honors, Geometry honors, French I, photography, Chemistry (may have been honors) and Driver's ED I think was what I took that first year.  I had to get glasses that year after "failing" the eye test in driver's ed.  I remember when we moved I decided i was going to go by Andrea and not my nick name Andi... because I was tired of it being spelled wrong (I am a girl there is no dangey part on me so there is no dangly part on my name ie a y, and I don't like the ie spelling either...)  so one of the first days of 10th grade the history teacher is calling roll and asks if I prefer ANdrea, or anDREA... I say I will answer to either... he is like well which way do you pronounce it... either way... ok he says... then what do your parents call you?  "Andi"... so there I was with the nick name again :/

the next year I was told that everyone the year before had thought I was on drugs.  If you know anything about me you know that is utterly ridiculous, I have for the most part been a goody goody... and don't really understand the fascination with drugs (or cigarettes or drinking too much)... besides... why would you want to take something that has been shown to have bad effects on people even if it does make you feel good for a short amount of time (these are my thoughts... I've just never really understood that... or racism for that matter)  Anyway... year 2 at the new school was ok... French II, Art2 (I think that may have wound up being considered an honors class), Ant. and physiology (honors... I was the only junior in a class of seniors), English, pre Cal, , and something else... my memories of that year... sitting at the lunch table talking about dissecting the cat in A&P... My A&P lab partner gluing the scapula and the hip bones to the skull of the cat skeleton we were putting together and saying look it's batcat... the same person looking at me one day and saying "You know... next year there isn't going to be one virgin walking across that stage at graduation."  I looked at him and said... "There will be at least one!"  I remember donating blood for the first time, early in the day... Then later that day in art we were doing a mural for earth day (I drew what was suppose to be a baby seal... but it looked more like a beluga whale...) we started cleaning up and I got dizzy... so I sat down.  they wanted to go take pictures of the mural, I was feeling better so I went back outside... first picture I was ok, second picture I passed out cold.  I remember prom (I asked a couple of guys but no one said yes so I went stag...)  I danced with a nice guy most of the night.  I remember getting obsessed with said guy after that.  I remember him telling me that if he "felt that way about me we could have been soul mates" still not completely sure what that meant...

Sr year... English, Cal/Trig, computer math (honors), Physics (honors), French III (honors), economics/government, and PE/ typing ... anyway that was a year... got to go to Ren Faire with the English class that was the last year they went because there were freshmen that went that year and got drunk), I got to go on the Physics Geology field trip... where I had left my camera with someone to hold while I went into a cave, and they took pictures of someone's BUTT... not funny really guys... :) considered joining the army...but then desert storm happened, and I realized that I probably wouldn't have survived basic anyway I went to all the dances that year.  we had to rebuild our homecoming bonfire after the team we were playing for home coming came and burned it down... but that is ok because we actually won that game... big deal for a team that rarely wins.  I had my first date... went to visit ETBU as a possible college choice... ran in to two people I had known from the town I grew up in!  and became hopeless obsessed with a guy that didn't want a relationship...(even though a month after telling me that he was wearing someone else's ring on a chain around his neck)  went out with him a few times... became good friends with another girl that dated him a few times... we compared notes and realized that he did the same thing and nick named him dr octopus.  My little sister made me my first alcoholic drink that year...  wrote a lot of bad poetry.  went stag to prom again.  wrote my sr research paper on why adopted people feel the need to search for biological parents... (at the time I had no such urge)  had perfect attendance (even though there were many days my teachers were begging me to go home cause I was sick  I got a watch which was lost the next year for having perfect attendance.  graduated with honors (a virgin but barely) (lost it a week later... trying to keep someone that was never mine to begin with... because I though if I gave him that then he would know that I really did love him and we would always be together... FYI girls... don't fall for that mind trap... he was always honest in that he did not want a relationship with me...so I have no one to blame for that recklessness but myself... not my proudest moment... and something I hope others can learn from)

Saturday, July 27, 2013

on hold

ok  called 7:45 am, talking to someone about my phone....lets see how long this winds up taking.

8:01 she has to update her tools so I am on hold....let the games begin
8:04.... being transferred
8:08 verifying my number... again
8:15 trying to get info from other phone
8:17... getting messed up phone's profile updated
taking battery out and putting back in 8:21
disconnected... but she did call call back
trying to update profile again 8:26
messed up phone now frozen buttons not working 8:29
hate battery off restart
make a phone call 8:32, she test calls
hopefully it will work going to go to add the phone to the account now and see if I can get the damn thing to work 8:40

Had to put in a different sim card... luckily I had an extra one (or 3) laying around that I can use... waiting for the number to be put back on the iphone 8:55

mean while the boys are wanting to eat... Tommy wants his coffee... I HAVEN'T had my coffee yet, and Robert is being less than helpful (Kenn is outside changing his oil)
8:59... I have phone!!!!

Friday, July 26, 2013

get to know me....part one... the GP years

Ok... This is my introduction... anything you ever wanted to know about me or not... :) part one

My name is Andrea Stansbury.  I was born 2 days after Roe v. Wade was decided... and I was adopted... three guesses where my stance on that is and the first two don't count... (I have "found" my bio mother... but that is a question I would prefer not to know the answer to)  I was raised in a friendly small south Texas town by two great parents, in a wonderful neighborhood... where my neighbors were practically grandparents to the entire neighborhood (they just celebrated their 75th wedding anniversary).  I have an older brother and a younger sister and brother.  My school years (elementary thru 9th grade) were in this small town, and had their ups and downs... I was very smart, but unmotivated at times to do my work... teachers either adored me or didn't... 3rd grade was hell because the teacher didn't and in addition to the speech I had been taking since kindergarten I was taking a hand eye coordination class... (which I hated because it was in the room with the slow readers... and I have never been a slow reader...)  so I was bullied by that teacher the entire year because I had to go to my "fun"class as she called it.  I was teased a lot, mimicked and made fun of for my lisp.   I fought back by hitting kids (ok mostly boys) over the head with books, bit one guy's finger after telling him to stop pointing at me or I was going to bite it.... I gave him fair warning.   Then there was the time in 7th grade when I accidentally "racked" a guy that mimicked me... yes it was an accident I was aiming for his shine but he was short...I got in trouble at home... for not getting school work done, for hiding the school work in my closet, probably for not doing things I was told to do and possibly for being argumentative (I don't remember the whys much just getting in trouble).  I got in trouble at school... got licks for no doing what i was told by a sub in PE... we had to run fence to fence and if we walked it we had to do it again running... well I DON'T RUN... I get winded too easily and I hate running with a passion... the sub even offered to run it with me but I had to run it... I refused ... so the next day I got licks...I think I got licks for the hair pulling incident, I know I got licks for the "racking" incident... but he got hard licks and detention and the kid who's hair I pulled got in more trouble than I did as well..  there was one time in 6th grade that we were getting ready to leave for the day, I had my books on top pf my desk, put the chair on top and the whole thing toppled over... well I said a bad word..and got licks for that.  I think I got licks in Kinder because I did not want to go and play on the playground...  there were lots of things I got in trouble for, I got teased a lot as a kid (never really sure why other than the lisp... maybe I was odd and didn't fit in with everyone else.  I did the camp fire girls for several years in elementary... thought I had some good friends.  I still consider most of them my friends after all these years.  I went to a great church (at least it was great when I was a kid...) I was a very naive person a lot of the time and didn't get the cliques in middle school, or understand boys at all...  I had two best friends growing up one was my age and lived across the street from me... we were inseparable up until about 3rd grade... the other was my neighbor... I would go over and talk to him on the way home from school... he always knew how to make me feel better about things that were going on in school...
In 6th grade I got my first crush... on a guy 6 years older than me who was my camp councilor... oh my... I was obsessed:)  7th grade was ok... still not quite sure where I fit in (never really have been sure truth be told) 8th grade I went to the dances... I was kind of asked to go to the Christmas dance ( was to met the guy there)... not really sure what happened some of the kids were making comments that I didn't quite understand... the next day the phone rang and it was a guy for me the person said they were the guy that I was at the dance with and they called me a lying bitch whore... still not sure what happened there or why.   so I continued my solitary existence in school... had a few friends but no one really close that was my age... I read lots in jr high and 9th grade... spent lots of free time at the library.  the summer between jr high and high school I read Gone with the Wind in a week... didn't much care for it because it was too descriptive... but books were my get away,,, where I could just lose myself.  9th grade came and I hung out with the kids from the youth group... I loved my classes... I was looking forward to taking driver's ed the next summer, ... but then the unthinkable happened... dad was told he was being transferred to east Texas.  We were not allowed to tell people about it at first I wrote a long letter to the guy that I still had the crush on from 6th grade (see I told you I was obsessed) apparently I dropped it and my best friend that lived across the street found it... so I got in trouble for that... it was hard on me  because I had joined the choir at church and we were going to  do a musical... I think we were suppose to go to Florida and preform it for a church there... I was even going to try out for a part... I had the lines mostly memorized (that was one of the things I worked on in speech) then the news came and I stopped being as excited about it... the music director was actually the first person I told because he saw me lose interest and was wondering why I wasn't going to try out...anyway after we were allowed to tell people I had one of my favorite teachers say something to me that still haunts me... (and colors my dealings with the boys ARD meetings a lot)  He told me to take it easy when we got to the new school and that he was sure they would have a resource class... I have never been so insulted in my life because the only reason I had him that year was because I had had him in honors us history in 8tth grade the year before... world history was a sophomore class... We finished the year out, my older brother graduated, and moved to Austin for college, and we moved to east Texas...

retreat and regroup

Well today did not go quite as planned... I did not do an hours worth of cleaning... although I have done some work... and will do some more in a bit...I am stressed out... and here is why.  we went to the library and I put my phone in my bra... then worked out for about 15 minutes outside on the playground... yes the phone is still in my bra... anyway the phone screen (touch screen) starts acting up again... it had done this the other day when I was trying to put the expansion foam in and got that mess all over my hands and then I put lotion on... then touched the phone.... OOOPPPSSS!  anyway no big deal... the boys had found my other phone yesterday (it had been missing for about 3 months) and the iphone 4s had recovered from the milk being spilled on it.... I was sound asleep, phone plugged in at the foot of the bed, Odie jumped on the bed and spilled a glass of milk...now don't ask me where the milk came from or who put it there... all I know is it wasn't me... I don't drink milk that often... and when I do it is just a sip or two) so I figured I would just go to the Net10 site and transfer the number back to one of those phones... very easy very simple... RIGHT?... WRONG... it turns out that when I activated the phone that is currently active it was activated with a different number... I knew it started out that way... but I thought it changed back once the phone said the right number (in the phone itself... not just the website, and the caller id... ) anyway I can't do anything online to fix it I have to CALL them to get it FIXED... seeing as I did this a couple of months ago when for some unknown reason Kenn's phone number had been changed on the site (but the phone had the right number and all...)  So I know when I call tomorrow I am looking at at least an hour and a half on the phone with at least two different people... and that is if I don't have to call another number...  If you know anything about me it should be I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE.... especially if it is someone I don't know...

So tomorrow morning I will call the 1-866 number and try to calmly tell them what is going on and what needs to be done and not lose my mind on them or on my family before it gets fixed... on the bright side my hubby did say I could get a new phone if I could find one for under $75... and I have :)

Things to work on in me

Ok... I keep saying that I am going to start journaling again... and don't.  This is the next best thing... and I  have been meaning to get this blog up and running to see where it might go.

There are several things I need to work on in me....things that will help my family out and things that will help me out.

Short list
1.  I need to spend at least an hour (right now anyway... until I get this place in better shape... I'm thinking if I do an hour a day for 2 months... this place will stay looking good and then it will only take 15 or 20 minuets a day) cleaning.  (deep cleaning, purging, organizing... ok maybe more than 2 months... but the maintenance will still only be 15 to 20 minuets if I keep at it...)

2. I need to spend at least an hour a day on me (nice bubble bath in the evening is a good start, and some bible time is needed as well)  I need to do this to center myself better.  If I am centered then it will be harder to go off the deep end when something doesn't go the way I am wanting it to go.

3.  I need to take time away from the computer, and the phones and the books and spend time with each of the boys.  I need to get to know them better so that I can better advocate for them and I will know what they need, and better know how to help them.  I think some of our issues are that I Want to hide rather than deal with the yelling and screaming... rather than dealing with the Asperger's ...

4.  Be more consistent IN EVERYTHING I DO!!!! I hate to admit there are still times I wonder if my kids are just brats... because that is what so many people see (at least that is how I see it when I get looks...  you know the looks... if she would just spank them they would straighten out... well believe me if it were that easy they would have been straightened out a long time ago... spanking doesn't work with these kids....:/  When we got the diagnosis with Robert, I kind of felt relieved because it meant that it wasn't completely my fault and that I wasn't a horrendous parent who couldn't discipline her child... when we got the diagnosis for Tommy though it hit home that I really haven't been consistent in how I do things and I need to work on that.

These are just a few of the things I need to work on.  My parents are great parents... I wish I could be more like them... I've been a parent for over 12 years now, and I feel like I don't know anymore how to be a good parent than I did that first day looking at that helpless baby with the breathing tube... wondering What God has planned that He gave me this small (4lbs) baby that spent the first 6 weeks of his life in the NICU.... I am still not sure, but I think it is time for me to stop hiding so much and start being the mom that my boys need and deserve.  stop being scared that I am "messing them up" and help them reach their full potentials.  Help them develop the skills they will need to grow and become the Men God means them to be.  

So today we are going to go to the library.  We are going to go to the play ground behind the library as well.  We will come home and I will strive to find at least one thing I didn't realize about each boy... one or two things that are strengths,  something that they struggle with, something they love... I will spend an hour cleaning, if they help great, if not I Am not going to yell and scream, beg and cry trying to get them to... I will just put my headphones in and get to work...

I am ready for a change, my kids are not the enemy and they deserve to be treated in a way that shows them that I love and value them because I do.  I am ready to become the mom I have been wanting to become for a long time.... and I am tired  of not doing all I can to become her.  I may never be a perfect housewife... my house may not always look nice... but it can look a damn sight better than it does right now, and we deserve that!!!  My husband deserves it, my kids deserve it... and I DO TOO.  I will try not to let myself get caught up in vthe "I have to do it all" and "I am the only one cleaning" mode I have been in for the last 4 or 5 years... (since I have been a SAHM) and realize... "I am not alone in this" and "If the boys see me taking the initiative... they will be more likely to fallow than if I yell at them to do it while I sit down and play on the computer."   (that isn't always the way it is... )
time to get started younger two are awake :)